Published: October 12, 2009 09:10 pm      

Morgan: Where has the real Tony Romo gone?

Imposter QB has struggled this season, but was better vs. KC

As I was pouring milk over my Captain Crunch this morning, I happened to glance at the side of the milk carton. Lo and behold, there was a picture of Tony Romo. I wasn’t really shocked. I had a strong suspicion that the guy wearing No. 9 was an imposter.

The real Tony Romo could sense pressure in the pocket and duck and squirm his way around defenders then throw a behind the back pass to Marion Barber hitting him in stride for a 30-yard gain. The fake Tony stands there and gets pounded from the back side. The real Tony Romo would have known the defender was coming even while glancing in a luxury box to see a pink No. 9 jersey filled out like Leonard Davis could never fill one out.

The real Tony Romo could sprint left or right threatening to get the first down with his feet while never averting his gaze from his first three options down the field. Outside linebackers had to stop and pick up their jock straps before deciding who to go after.

The guy getting too familiar with Andre Gurode currently has the 5 o’clock shadow and the backwards cap, but those of us who are real fans know that it’s not Romo. The authentic Cowboy quarterback would never leave Roy Williams extended for a pass exposing him to a shot to the ribs. Nor, would he let Jason Witten stay in to block while trying to hit Sam Hurd who was wearing Champ Bailey like an Armani suit in the end zone. Only a fake Tony would lose count of the downs.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that no one in the organization has noticed. I’ve about decided that Wade isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and obviously the nickname Redheaded Genius was hung on Jason Garrett in jest. I mean, who runs through the Carolina defense like grass through a goose, then tries back-to-back fade routes into the far corner of the end zone? Then, throw in consecutive leaving Witten in to block … you get my drift.

I think maybe Jerry should work on getting Jessica Simpson back into the picture. Even if the coaching staff and the front office personnel can’t distinguish between the real thing and a counterfeit I’ll bet one kiss with Jess would uncover the imposter. She could even ask for a few details from that weekend in Cabo. Now, just where is that tattoo not seen by the general public?

I think we should put out an APB. I watched a car chase through Corsicana on Fox News. I couldn’t leave it because I thought it might be Tony in the F150. The driver was the most elusive thing I’ve seen since the real Tony Romo was quarterbacking the ‘Boys. Alas (seems to go well with lo and behold) it wasn’t. I only caught a glimpse before they had him face down in the mud, but he had no cap on, so I knew it wasn’t our boy.

So, if any of you spot the undrafted free agent, call the Daily Sun and leave me a message. They can locate me. We’ve got to get Tony back. Maybe it’s not a matter of life or death, but it certainly is a matter of playoffs or no playoffs. This imposter can’t get us there, and the sooner we can get him out and the real Tony back, the better our chances are. But, be careful out there.

The real Tony Romo is armed but not dangerous.