Published: September 17, 2008 09:26 am      

Another twist in the Oliver tractor war

I have just emerged victorious from another skirmish in the Tractor War.

The Tractor War, for those of you who came late to the party, is the ongoing competition between me and my brother, who shall remain nameless but whose initials are “P.D.”

It refers to our collections of scale model tractors, mostly of the Oliver brand of farm machinery. Our Grandpa McKenzie and Uncle John McKenzie were dedicated Oliver farmers, and taught us that Olivers (especially the Fleetline series, painted in a striking color scheme of meadow green with yellow trim and red wheels) were the most beautiful and the most advanced tractors of their day. Also, Grandpa said the seat fit his backside with exceptional comfort.

You’ll notice I said “our” collections were “mostly” Oliver tractors. That’s because my collection is 100 percent Olivers, and my goofy brother’s includes a Farmall.

Nothing against Farmalls. They’re fine tractors. And I suppose I should be grateful it’s a Farmall and not one of those other green tractors, those Dear Johns or whatever they’re called. But I still don’t see how my brother can say his collection is equal to my display of Oliverian power with that red interloper among the green.

I started collecting first, and then my brother followed suit. Over the years we’ve kept careful track of who owns what, mostly by calling to brag — obnoxiously, and at length — when one brother got something the other brother did not have.

I swear, I don’t know how I can be such an easy-going guy and have such a competitive brother.

This latest skirmish took place up in Shipshewana, also known as Six Flags Over Amish People, at one of my favorite stores, Dad’s Toys. It’s well named. The place is just chockablock with die-cast models of cars, trucks, and (duh) tractors, all of the expensive “Don’t play with that!” variety favored by big kids like me, to the consternation of little kids who know a toy when they see one.

There I found a model of the Oliver 77 orchard, a specialty tractor built with a low seat and long, swooping, skirted fenders, designed for navigating the low clearance of a fruit orchard. It has a sort of futuristic, aerodynamic look. Think of it as a tractor reimagined by Buck Rogers.

We’ve been looking for this tractor for years, ever since Uncle John told us he thought it was one of Oliver’s finer — and rarer — tractors. Naturally, I snatched one off the shelves, expecting my brother to do the same. Nope. Instead, he went for a Super 88 powered by LP Gas.

I know. Unbelievable. We were ALL shocked, believe me.

And then he had the gall to say they were pretty much equal in his eyes, and that he wanted the Orchard tractor but the LP tractor was just too cool to pass up.

Poor guy. Trying to convince himself. Sad, isn’t it?

Although P.D. did start dropping hints, loud enough for Mom to overhear, about wanting that orchard model for Christmas. She’ll probably get it for him, and he’ll use that to say he’s now ahead of me. But he’ll be wrong. He’ll still be losing by one Farmall.

What can I say? It’s a war, and in any war, both sides believe themselves to be in the right.

It’s just that with the Tractor War, I am.

© 2008 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.