Published: February 09, 2006 04:11 pm      

How to open the door

RIDE THE LIGHTNING

If you’ve visited the Progress-Argus office here at 129 South Mulberry Street in the past four months, you probably had to be let in the door. Only a handful of Butts’ finest have actually been able to cross the threshold under their own power. Honestly, only two have entered the press pad without one of us having to spring into action: Jackson Police Chief Mike Riley being one, City Hall Clerk Joy Wedemeier the other. They must have the touch. And I’m writing this today in hope that you will, too.

Doors are sometimes fiendishly temperamental; other times staunchly indifferent. Some need a mild bit of muscle poured into that door-opening grip; others a stiff shove with a few colorful words thrown in for good measure. Then there’s the door that refuses to do its duty, carelessly forgetting how it’s supposed to close after being opened.

Our office door is like none of these; upping the ante for adventurous souls who choose to pay their subscriptions, proffer news tips, or keep us from keeping away from work. Its disposition is grizzled, but stately; it is more window than wood, and it opens only for those that thumb its lever from the far right. But, let’s not let the cat out of the bag just yet.

There’s much more to this; watching people interact with the malfunctioning door is as good as a sociological experiment can get. Person “X” approaches door; grasps handle. Door doesn’t open for Person “X,” who then begins to shake, rattle and perhaps roll said door handle. Newspaper employee “Y” makes the long hike to the front to either explain to Person “X” that said door isn’t locked, or that the office isn’t closed. Logically following is a brief explanation that can include – but is not limited to – scientific delineations regarding humidity and wood interaction; blanket “the-door-is-broken” statements, or a simple “no, we are not closed” declaration, so practiced, and thus nearly perfect, that it could be mistaken for a Vienna Boys Choir warm-up.

As tempting as it may be to want to hear us say these things and add to your Progress-Argus experience, you should learn how to deal with the door: We want you to, and if the door could wish or want, it would rather than endure anymore shaking, rattling and potential rolling. And it’s not even that difficult.

Directions: Approach door. Stop. Look down at the door handle. It’s neither knob, nor handle really; it’s a kind of lever, about the size of an adult thumb. Like a spiteful golden tongue it extends, mocking you. Fear not. Place your thumb on the far right of the lever; half of your thumb should be on the lever, half off. Push down. You are now pushing the door open, walking over the threshold, and entering the front of the office to thank me profusely for writing this column. And you’re most welcome.