Published: June 13, 2006 11:51 am      

World Cup is a big yawn

I admit it.

I don’t know a midfielder from a striker. I don’t know a corner kick from a throw-in.

What I do know about soccer would be lonely inside the world’s smallest thimble.

The best I can tell the rules are simple: If it moves, kick it; if it doesn’t move, kick it until it does.

Soccer is probably a lot of fun to play, but it has to be one of the most boring sports imaginable to watch.

If you don’t fall asleep during the first 30 minutes of “action,” you must suffer from severe insomnia.

In 1904, the Federation International de Football Association (FIFA) was created. In 1930, Jules Rimet, a Frenchman who was president of FIFA at the time, presented a cup to the winner of an international competition. That eventually became the World Cup, which is played every four years. This is the year.

A poll by an Oklahoma City TV station determined that 12 percent enjoyed soccer, while 88 percent would rather have a root canal and do without beer and sex for six months.

America’s first-round outing Monday in the World Cup was a disaster, a 3-0 shutout by Czechoslovakia (Are you kidding me?) In case you’re soccer illiterate, a 3-0 score in soccer computes to 54-0 in football or 18-0 in baseball. You could usually watch soccer for a month and not see three goals scored.

There’s several reasons why soccer hasn’t caught on in the United States, especially in redneck states.

First, you can’t use your hands, only your feet and melon. Can you imagine trying to teach a redneck not to use his hands? Ridiculous!

“Jim Bob, when the ball is heading toward the goal butt it in with your big, meaty head of yours,” the coach would scream. “And don’t do it so hard. We only have one ball because you exploded our other one yesterday!”

Second, rednecks would not follow the uniform dress code.

“I ain’t wearin’ those sissy pants and girlie socks!” Bobby Joe would yell. “I’ll be the laughing stock the next time I go coon huntin’ with my buddies!”

The soccer powers are from Europe and South America.

How many years would it take for the United States to produce a great soccer player?

The answer is five. That’s how long it takes for a foreigner to become a naturalized citizen.

Mexico defeated Iran in first-round action Monday. The Associated Press reported the action: “Goalkeeper Oswaldo (of Mexico) was tested early when he had to dive to his left to stop a header.” Wow, it must have been riveting!

World Cup? I’d rather watch the Arena Football League. I’d rather watch the WNBA. I’d rather watch Dr. Phil (Wait, I’ll have to reconsider that!)

Really, I’m just pulling your leg. I like soccer. If I had played soccer back in the day instead of baseball, football and basketball, I’d probably have a lot more teeth now and I’d be able to pronounce words that end in “sk.”

I may not understand all the rules (in fact, I don’t understand hardly any of them) but I’ll have the World Cup on my television tonight — I’ve tried everything else for insomnia.