Published: October 22, 2007 01:45 pm         

The shot heard round the area football world

A couple of times over the years I’ve tried to describe one of the most wicked hits on the gridiron since the days of Knute Rockne and leather helmets.

It’s true that I’ve been on both sides of the equation. I’ve been the windshield and I’ve been the bug; I’ve been the lawnmower and I’ve been the grass; I’ve been Jeff Cali’s teeth and I’ve been a plate of ribs. Of course, I’ve been the plate of ribs most times.

However, I did dish out one perfect hit from my cornerback position back when plastic helmets had just been invented.

What’s the perfect hit? It’s where you come up and stick a running back and the next thing you know he’s writhing in pain with his helmet turned backward and a couple of teeth laying beside him on the 30-yard line. And the beauty part of it that I didn’t feel a thing. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t paralyzed.

Of course, there’s many, many times when I was the plate of ribs (see Jeff Cali above.)

The most painful time was when I turned a wide receiver over to my safety and charged a running back like Dick Butkus on steroids. We collided hat to hat and the lights went out in Georgia. When I regained consciousness, this big, dumb redneck — who didn’t know how strong he was — with three teeth was jumping up and down like he had just ended Ed “Too Tall” Jones’ career. He was screaming out that I was a pansy. I tried to get up and let him abuse me again but I couldn’t move (temporary paralysis) and couldn’t remember who I was, where I was at and why I had a football crammed up my (let’s just say nose). I tried to spit in his face but I guess the explosion had evaporated my saliva by a A-Bomb blast.

Even though I was pretty sure I would never walk again, much less have children down the road, I still tried to get up. I finally stood but tripped over the 40-yard line. I thought I was blind, Fortunately, the hit had knocked my jock strap over my head. I didn’t have a chance to ask the over-size Neanderthal, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t feel a thing. Perfect hit.

I can assure you one thing, it’s a lot better to be the windshield than the bug.

The couple of times I’ve tried to explain the perfect hit, I’ve failed miserably. I just don’t have the vocabulary needed. Hey, I doubt Shakespeare could do it justice.

But I don’t have to try to explain it any more. Incredibly, ace photographer Jeanie Neal has accomplished what I’ve tried to describe for years in one of the most outstanding photographs ever snapped. It should go into the Football Hall of Fame.

Glancing through Wednesday’s sports pages, I absolutely freaked out at Jeanie’s photo at the top of Page 7. It showed Ada Cougar freshmen Brendan Barr and Brady Bowers absolutely creaming the Noble quarterback. Cali said he was told the tackle was heard all over the stadium. Thankfully, the spunky Noble QB didn’t suffer the same effects as I did a few decades earlier, but the young Cougar studs improved to 6-0 with a dominating 35-8 win Monday night at Craig McBroom Football Complex.

Thanks, Jeanie. I never again have to try to describe what it’s like to be the grass in a lawn-mowing situation. All I have to do is hold up your brilliant photograph — one of the best one I’ve ever seen. My neck begins to hurt just looking at it. The best job

in the world is ...

Who has the best job in the world?

Some might say the pope. He’s adored by hundreds of millions, wears some of the snazziest threads around and motors around in the one-of-a-kind popemobile. He’s one cool dude.

Others would like to be president of the United States. He has a guaranteed four-year contract, with a possible option for another four. That reminds me, I’m just sick about the way the Yankees treated my boy Joe Torre. That was wrong, but I digress. Back to the president. He wears suits that cost more than I make in a year, dines on entrees that would choke a mule, never has to go through airport security and all of it is paid for by working stiffs like me. You know that’s wrong!

Of course, there’s some who believe AEN Sports Editor Jeff Cali has the cushiest position of all. The Big Fellow gets paid to do what most people would pay to do. During his travels to sporting events — ranging from football, basketball and baseball to volleyball, soccer and tiddlywinks — he’s sampled goodies at every drive-in, rib joint, fast-food, restaurant, greasy spoon and pizza hut in Oklahoma and neighboring states — at company expense, of course. Just his appearance at an eating establishment raises its rating a star or two. He’s had NFL Hall of Fame and former U.S. Congressman Steve Largent and Pro Wrestling legend Jim Ross as guests in the AEN Football Contest. And he brought me a personal autograph from Hulk Hogan. Who wouldn’t want to be Jeff Cali?

While the pope, George W. Bush and J.C. have jobs others would give their right arms for — and probably other organs and/or body parts — there’s one job that tops them all.

Yes, the person with the No. 1 job in the world is Vanna White, Pat Sajak’s sidekick on “Wheel of Fortune.”

In 1992, White was recognized in The Guinness Book of World Records as “Television's Most Frequent Clapper.” Averaging 720 claps per episode, she puts her hands together more than 28,000 times per season.

For more than 25 years Vanna has turned letters on a game board as contestants try to solve the hidden name, thing, phrase, etc. She rakes in a cool $5 million a year for her expertise.

For those unfamiliar with the successful, long-running game show, three contestants attempt to figure out the answer behind the blank squares by selecting consonants or by buying vowels.

“It’s your turn, Alice,” Pat will say.

“Is there an F, Pat?” Alice will ask.

“There’s two Fs,” Sajak smiles.

That’s when Vanna does her thing. She sashays to the board and punches buttons that reveal the two letters. Yes, that’s her job, that’s how she makes her millions. I love Vanna White.

You have to wonder what the requirements were when Merv Griffin picked Vanna for the job. It probably went something like this:

“Position: Box manipulator. Applicant must be fast on her feet, dexterous, understand English and wear short skirts (that eliminated most men who applied.) A master’s degree in mechanical engineering is required in case one of the boxes get stuck during show. Preference will be given to those who can recite the alphabet.”

Sure, the pope, president and AEN sports editor are three of the richest and most powerful individuals in the world. But I’d take Vanna’s job over any other. I’m certain I could punch a button to expose a letter, but I’m a little worried about the short-shirt deal.

———o———

Sooners shot at national title slim and none

Take away 15 minutes of brain cramps in the Rocky Mountains and Oklahoma would be 7-0 and ranked No. 1 in the nation. With only OSU and three stiffs left in the regular season and another slug in the Big 12 championship game, Sooner fans could make their reservations for the Superdome for the first week of 2008.

I’m not going into my annual rant about the ludicrous, ludicrous way the NCAA determines D-I national champs. However, no other football division or other sports lets sports writers and computers determine who the top dog is.

But we live in the real world, even if reality bites at times.

OU sits at No. 5 in the first BCS poll, behind Ohio State (7-0), South Florida (6-1 after losing to Rutgers Thursday night), Boston College (7-0) and LSU (6-1).

The Sooners will jump to No. 4 this week (assuming OU takes care of business). So, that means that two of the teams ahead of them must choke like a mule down the road.

What are the Sooners’ chances?

Well, I wouldn’t make plans to be in New Orleans Jan. 7 for two reasons: (1) Another hurricane that would make an Okie tornado look like a calm breeze might hit, and (2) the Oklahoma Sooners will not be playing that night.

Sure, there’s always a chance OU can leapfrog LSU, BC and the Buckeyes, but the college football gods will probably have to intervene.

What’s going to happen down the stretch?

No. 1 Ohio State will finish 12-0 after rolling over stiffs like Michigan, Penn State, Wisconsin and Illinois. The Buckeyes will be in New Orleans playing football Jan. 7 unless head coach Jim Tressel loses his red vest and stays home.

South Florida’s Cinderella run is over. In fact, the Bulls could lose to Cincinnati and Louisville before it all said and done.

And we can’t expect any help from Boston College. Unlike South Florida, B.C. is for real. Matt Ryan is a great quarterback and the Eagles won’t back down from anyone. If they beat Virginia Tech on the road Oct. 25, they will finish 12-0 and the Sooners will be playing in a meaningless BCS bowl game.

And LSC will have to lay an egg against Kentucky to keep OU’s national title hopes alive. Fortunately, Les Miles is the Tigers’ coach. If James Myers was LSU’s coach, the Tigers would be 7-0. LSU goes to Alabama (the best hope for Sooner fans) and have slugs Auburn and Arkansas at home.

Odds are that the “Folder in Boulder” will cost OU a shot at the national title. Like I said, the system is a joke.

The good news is that anything seems possible in college football this year after Appy State humiliated Michigan — in the Big House, no less.

Oklahoma might be the best football team in the nation. Too bad we’re not ever going to know.

Who could have imagined that 15 minutes of clear Rocky Mountain air could be such a bummer?

———o———

James Myers almost

needs CPR

There was a scare last Sunday.

When the Youngless-Tennessee Titans kicked a field goal late in the fourth quarter to tie Tampa Bay, 2007 Ada Football Prediction Race leader James Myers needed to be placed on a cardiac monitor.

James “I’m Gonna Choke Again” Myers hit rock bottom in the race. Going into Week 7, he had built a huge six-game bulge over four-time champ Leo Kelley, three-time champ Jeff Cali and a gaggle of stiffs. But it began to unwind after Bixby’s rout over McAlester. Then came “Black Saturday.” After my picks — ECU, OSU, OU, Kansas State and Auburn — rolled to impressive wins, I had cut J.M.’s lead to a measly two games.

Then came Sunday. I hear he couldn’t sleep after his embarrassing performance Friday and Saturday. His Bears choked, but I had taken those no-winning pretenders too. But then came the Tennessee-Tampa Bay game that meant absolutely nothing to anyone but the AEN prediction crew.

A Tennessee win would have pulled me within a game of James — the greatest single-week gain in prediction history. And his annual choke would have been under way.

When the Titans knotted the score late in the fourth quarter, Myers began sweatin’ like Uncle Jonas after he’s used up his Food Stamps for the month. He was about to head for the ER when Tampa Bay — no offense, no defense — win with a field goal, while Vince Young watches on the sidelines like a sissy. Didn’t he know how much I needed that win?

As soon as Tampa Bay won, J.M.’s sweating stopped and his air waves cleared.

Timid Vince Young cost me big. It also reminded me why I detest the Texas Longhorns’ fight song.

Nevertheless, his lead had shrank to three games, and with a half-season to go, it looks like I should take my fifth “Leo Kelley Championship Trophy” (I can’t believe they named the trophy after me.)

Even though James Myers is the prediction world’s Buffalo Bills (four Super Bowls without a title), I have to give him credit. He’s always near the top. Who knows, maybe this is his year? One more 3-7 week, however, and he’ll down there battling those slugs in the second division.

My fellow OSU fans should be very, very upset with James Myers. After blasting the Cowboys time after time, he took them Saturday against Kansas State. That ain’t right. Where’s his pride?

     

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